50 Ways to Annoy Merlin series 3
by yaoifangirlHolly
Summary: Part of my ever popular series :  Contains spoilers for series 3. Also has references to slash so if you don't like, don't read.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin or any of the characters. Contains spoilers for series 3 so if you haven't seen and don't want to know, don't read! Also contains slash references.**

**50 Ways to Annoy Merlin series 3**

Tell him you know the only reason he's keeping Uther alive is because he thinks it's sexier to be having a secret affair with a prince than a king. (i.e. Arthur)

Tell him to stop hijacking Arthur's quests as his own; it's making Arthur feel less manly. Ideally say this in front of Arthur to ensure Merlin gets a rollicking.

Pretend you haven't noticed when he wanders into earshot and start talking to Morgana or Gwen about the fact that you think Arthur called him a "daffodil" is because he's wet and weedy and limp (if you can make the last one sound like a sexual reference, even better). Get louder and louder then when he walks closer say "Oh, Merlin, hi! I didn't see you there! We were just wondering what your favourite flower is?"

Refer repeatedly to Arthur, Gwaine and him as being Courage, Strength and Idiot.

Wait until he is somewhere very public with Arthur and Gwaine then shout "Hey Merlin, who's the better shag, Arthur or Gwaine?"

For added effect, after 5) add "Oh don't be coy, Merlin! You weren't shy about telling me last night!"

Tell him that strange women lying in ponds, distributing swords is no basis for government. And him fancying them is even weirder.

Buy him a pet manticore. Don't tell him. Hide it under his bed.

Tell him you've noticed a strange smell on Arthur's bed sheets. Set it up so that Arthur walks in on him sniffing said sheets.

Constantly make jokes about his long white beard.

For added effect, tell everyone of his incontinence.

Clout him round the back of the head. When he asks what that was for, say "For spending all of Gaius's hard earned money in the tavern, you lush!"

For added effect, accuse him of staring at the bar wench's cleavage, whenever Morgana or Gwen are present in a low cut dress.

Write a really smutty story about Morgana and Uther in Merlin's handwriting and post it all over Camelot.

Tell Arthur that Merlin totally gets turned on by his donkey braying.

Tell everyone that Merlin's secret ambition is to be a knight, and when Merlin approaches in a public place, call him "Sir Merlin".

Tease him about the time he got caught snogging Arthur whilst picnicking in the woods. Then say "Oh wait that was Gwen this time."

Tell him to stop zapping the poor innocent fairies, what did they ever do to him?

Say to him each morning "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be bringing breakfast in bed to a shirtless Gwaine – uh, I mean, Arthur?"

Plant some of Morgana, Gwen and Elena's dresses in Merlin's room and make sure they find out.

Tell him you know that he was enjoying being tied up in chains WAY more than he ought to have been.

Point out that maybe trying to stop the newly evil Morgana, accidentally mortally wounding her and then feeling so guilty he has to heal her might not be the best way to go about things.

Tell him you bet that riding the dragon isn't nearly as exciting as riding the Pendragon…*wink*

Ask Arthur if he's annoyed that Merlin's getting wiser every day. Tell him that Merlin wanted you to ask him this.

Replace all his spell books with Harry Potter novels.

For added effect, after 25) start calling him Harry, and Arthur Draco, Gwen Hermione etc. Get the others to play along with this as if it's totally normal.

Post up a list in the castle square of "The Sexiest Knights of the Round Table" in Merlin's handwriting. Make sure Arthur is at the bottom.

Take him aside and tell him that you won't tell a soul, but you know the real reason he stopped Gilli was because he wanted the pretty ring for himself, precious.

Start sporting the t shirt "Keep Calm and Tell Your Servant to Shut Up".

Start throwing things at Merlin. Bonus points if you get his backside.

Enter him into the open tournaments without telling him. Tell everyone in the kingdom, especially Arthur, that Merlin has entered and cannot wait to show off his battle prowess.

Make fun of how touchy feely he was with Arthur, being all "Nurse Merlin" when he got injured.

For added effect, after 32) buy Merlin a woman's sexy nurse outfit with a note attached "You know you want to." Sign Arthur's name underneath. With kisses.

Tell him you know he was secretly quite turned on when Morgana took over and became Queen.

Tell him that having the dragon as his bitch doesn't change the fact that he is still Arthur's bitch.

For added effect, after 35), affix the sign "Arthur's bitch" to him when he is not looking. Bonus points if you can get it on his ass.

Ask him what he's going to do for Valentine's Day this year, throw his gifts into the lake?

Start talking about how Merlin ships Arthur and Gwen when you and Merlin and in the presence of Lancelot.

Hide somewhere nearby when he is alone and start whispering "Emrys….Emrys…you have big ears and you're a rubbish servant Emrys…"

Shout "Abracadabra, alakazam!" whenever you see Merlin, ideally when you are within earshot of Uther.

Get some rabid Merthur fangirls to tie Merlin to a chair. Pace in front of him, as if in interrogation and ask him why he thought to try anything he could to save Arthur when he was shot by the arrow but didn't think to try mouth to mouth? A little kissing never hurts!

Begin a conversation with him about all the things he's done for Arthur, then wonder aloud why Arthur didn't knight Merlin. Point out that even Lancelot got knighted, and he's going to nick Arthur's girl…

Tell the dragon that Merlin has bought a pink fluffy collar for it and he demands that it wear it at all times. Console it for being underappreciated and suggest it tells Merlin to go screw himself the next time Merlin calls him.

When you are at the round table repeatedly refer to Merlin as "Arthur's bitch". Even call him this to his face.

Casually observe how odd it is that Arthur gets this big impressive phallic sword and all Merlin gets is the Cup of Life, an obvious womb symbol.

For added effect, after 45) make various pregnancy jokes about Merlin whenever the cup is mentioned.

Tell him it's a shame Morgana went evil before he got lucky with her.

Observe that as he gets wiser, his hair gets shorter. Will he be bald by the time Arthur is king?

For added effect, after 48) sneak into his room while he sleeps and shave his head.

Wait until he's getting along with Arthur and really bonding with him, then bound up to them both and say in the most exaggerated girly voice you can muster – "Look what we've got, Arthur! You… (sigh)…me….I'm going to be by your side! Like I always am… (flutter lashes)…protecting you."


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